Miracle

Lord,

I need a miracle today.
The way forward is shrouded in black unknown, but my heart is full of hope, without really knowing why. Maybe a crisis is a good opportunity for miracles. Today is a good day to move mountains.

To Sir, with regret

I just knew that I shouldn’t have walked out of Math class 14 years ago.

It was, as always, an impulsive decision. You were giving us holiday homework, and I felt irked looking at how much there was. So I stood up and told you that I decided to drop out of the class. You were taken aback, and tried to dissuade me, but it was in vain. So, I picked up my bag and stalked out of the class, leaving behind my classmates and you open mouthed. Sigh, what a moment it was, and how much I regretted the moment!

When it comes to mathematics, practice makes perfect. That’s why you gave us all those nasty drills. Since I never bent my will to the discipline, my mathematical faculties steadily atrophied after fateful day. That day in my 3mX3m, it took me a long time to figure out how many zeroes there are in 0.2million. You see, even with a calculator, one needs to know how many zeroes there are in one million in the first place.

Another day, at the money changer’s, I suspiciously asked the man why he gave me a rate that was different from the published one, and he said with a sigh, “Mdm, that’s because I am giving you a better rate!”

And now that I am dealing with numbers bigger than what I am used to, my little mind can hardly comprehend what is happening. But at least now, I understand what compound interest is. Soon, I’ll try to tackle exponential…something…progression? Or is it arithmetic progression? How do installments work, if there is interest to be factored in?

So I have to admit, I wish that I had been a better student in the Math class. Those horrible and abstract concepts are actually needed in real life! Sir, you are utterly justified for trying to make us work harder in Math.

Paradise Found

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried
it was our sorrows that weighed him down...
He was pierced for our transgressions,
crushed for our sins
He was beaten so we might be whole
He was whipped so we might be healed.

I think the chief idea here is redemption.

Of course, the Cross means that our sins are forgiven. We get away with being such awful sinners, and hence we should be properly relieved.

But I think that there is more to redemption than this. I had been puzzled for a long time by these verses. What has sin got to do with sorrows? If the Cross is intended to help us deal with our sins, why does Christ have to bear the sorrows too?

I think redemption means that we receive healing from all the scars caused by our own sins. It is as if we never committed the sins in the first place.

When there is sin, it isn't merely an offence against God, because some law is broken. Every sin wrecks its own damage upon our souls, at the very least, guilt and shame, self-rejection because of what we did. And then there could be anger at those whom we think caused us to sin. Dare I propose that sin hurts us more than it hurts others, and far more than we realise? Even if a sin committed goes unrecorded, we still suffer from the pain of having sinned.

And the Cross enables us to receive healing from others' sins. We live in a fallen world, and a lot of suffering comes from the actions done by other people - harsh words, condemnation and even physical hurt. Sometimes I think that we grieve the most deeply when we are hurt by those we love most. And this pain lingers to torment us long after the real act is over.

Yet Christ enables us to receive healing from all these hurts, to be able to look back at what happened without rancour, for the sake of His love, if nothing else. Hence, the Cross erases more than the penalty of sins. It truly removes ALL the consequences of sins, to enable us to live in a state that is a little more like Eden.

Then, why aren't Christians a happier lot of people? Why do I fret and rage at worldly matters, as if I do not know these truths? My friends, this is because of the lies our minds have come to believe in. After years of conditioned behaviour, it seems impossible to react differently in adverse conditions. We consider these reactions natural. When there is disapointment or heartbreak, we despair. But Christ says, 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven'. He is telling us that there is a different way to live, and out of the brokenness there is a greater blessing we cannot fathom.

Let me try to remember that, anytime I feel despair, or fear, or anger, I have believed in the old lies again, that I have to despair, to fear, to be angry. But really, I don't. Because if anyone is in Christ, the old is gone and the new has come.

So, this Good Friday is a good time to contemplate what we have been redeemed from.

Contemplating the Cross

It is going to be Good Friday soon. Every year, we Christians gather to contemplate Christ's death on the Cross. Even non-believers vaguely know what this day is intended to commemorate. But, i don't think I fully understand what the Cross really means for our lives.

I spent the past few days trying to think of an entry that would fully explain how our lives should be changed because of the Cross, and the more I think, the less I seem to understand.

Of course, the most immediate result of the Cross is that we, sinners of all ages, are now spared from eternal death, because while the 'wages of sin' is death, it is a price now fully paid for by Christ. Yet, I really suspect that there is something more to redemption than mere acquital from our sins. Otherwise, wouldn't it mean that after accepting Christ, we are just waiting for death that would bring us into the Promised Land. Then, what are we to do in the meantime? Live a stereotypical Christian life? We go to church and try to behave in a reasonably respectable manner, and every time we sin, we confess, and get ourselves acquited, until the next sin.

I really think, that there is more to the Cross than that. I am looking for a richer and more passionate kind of life than this. I want more than respectability. The Bible says that when we receive Christ, we are a 'new Creation', and the old self is dead. What then, does this mean? Are these verses mere poetry that we memorise, to regurgitate at the Pearly Gates when the time comes?

I can feel the answer whirling vaguely around my head, but I can't find the words to pin them down. When I get my act together, there would be another entry on this matter. I am not done yet.

BeBook

Chronicles of my eReader saga

- Amazon ignored my enthusiastic email about the Kindle
- B&H cancelled my order for my Sony eReader
- then, suddenly, a package arrived with 3 days.

I am astonished by the speed, and would like to thank Fedex for the speedy delivery. after some disappointment and setbacks, I am happy to say that I, masterofboots, am finally now a proud owner of Hanlin V3, aka Bebooks.

It isn't as stylish as the Sony eReader, and can't read books from Amazon. BUT, it is MINE, and I am happy to say that I have been busy trying to load all my favourite books, like Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl and and James Herriot. Yes, friends, you've heard me right. HAHAHA, what else did you think I was going to do with the eReader? I know, it seems a pity getting such a fancy gadget just to read these trivial stuff, but you see, my old copies of these books are already fading with age, and becoming increasingly moldy too.

I just spent 2 hours sweating over the software, trying to download books from mobipocket. After much effort, I finally succeeded. hmmm, this is going to take some getting use to.

The dreadful thought refuses to go away. Does it mean that i am never going to have an excuse to go into bookshops again? Yun just reminded me that Borders has a special sales, but, will this ever mean anything to me now? This is a lifestyle dilemma. How ambivalent I feel now about this device people invented! What if ... we destroy the very existence of the books we love?

*** ***
The Wedding Helper

I am not sure why, but time and again, I find myself performing at people's weddings, like, singing for my supper. Yesterday it happened again. This time, I had to be the emcee. One hour before the event, I looked at my script, and wondered...am I the Chinese or English emcee?

Then I went to the hotel restaurant, and demanded to report. 'But, I am the emcee! You've got to let me go in.'

They looked at me and said, 'Miss, I think your event is next door. This place is holding two dinners tonight.' I fled without even apologising. How would I know there were two wedding dinners, side by side?

Little hiccups aside, everything else ran quite smoothly. I wouldn't even think that I was doing an emcee's job. I was just reading from the script and I can do that quite well you know, haha. I gave Boon One special instructions to make sure that I had big helpings of my favourite dishes.

The good thing was, I wasn't nervous at all. Anyway, I knew that no one was listening. The couple made their speeches, and people continued to chat. How rude people can be! Of course, you'll tell me, that's normal at a Chinese wedding dinner. But why should it be? >:1

Slumdog Millionaire

Do not watch Slumdog Millionaire unless you are prepared to be
Appalled by the cruelty dished out casually
Outraged by the social injustice that is part of life
Saddened by daily tragedies and
Exhausted after an emotional rollercoaster ride.

There isn’t a moment of respite for the audience, the story lurches from one tragedy to another. I watched the movie with my eyes shut half the time, and my mouth wide open in one long silent scream.

A destitute, illiterate boy enters the greatest game show in his world, and by astonishing chance, happens to know all the answers asked. How did this boy, he who cannot read, come to know answers that eluded even lawyers and doctors? As the drama unfolds, it emerges that he never went to school, and each nugget of information, trivia to the rest of us, is accidentally discovered through the various tragedies n his life. They are lessons dearly paid for with blood and tears.

It is heartbreaking, not uplifting, to see the resilience exhibited. People don’t simply roll over and die. Even children can become impervious to pain, and find ways to make a living for themselves. So Jamal and his brother became expert at fleecing and stealing from tourists. In a acidly ironic moment, Jamal tells the American tourists, ‘You want to see the real India? This is real India.’ It is not Taj Mahal or exotic festivals.

It gives me some relief to see the obligatory final song and dance because it is a reminder that we are just watching a movie. Yet at the same time, this is the depressing truth - that Jamal and his sweetheart find salvation because they are fiction. The slums are still there, though we leave them behind in the theatre. So why should we feel any more virtuous just because we watched a movie with more depth than usual?

14 Feb

deep red roses nestled amongst
delicate baby's breath
silk and lace in a blue gift box
fat meaty sausages
chicken wings, honey-glaced
crabstick, slightly charred
truant tomatoes rolling off the grill
crackling of charcoal, fanned by the sea breeze
aeroplanes roaring to land
the twinkling North Star (yeah, like real...)
a little scorched grass, uh oh :P

Misanthrope musing

They say that a woman speaks 20000 words a day. I mean, a woman has to speak 20000 words a day. Otherwise the unspoken words would accumulate painfully within her until they spill out uncontrollably, like in a tirade against her loved ones.

Let me try to see if I meet this quota:

Since I am a misanthrope, I shall count the written words too. I probably produce 2000 written words every day. I say ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ to my colleagues. I say ‘yes’ to boss, and ‘thank you’ to the office attendant. Then I go home, where half of my family members are in bed already, and the fat one is too busy to talk. No wonder I have been feeling less misanthropic lately.

Truth be told, I really miss having people to talk to, like those quirky northpole people. When I first entered this job, a veteran says, ‘don’t befriend your colleagues’. Now I see that they mean. It makes moving on more difficult.

Beware, my friends. If we ever meet, you’ll have to listen to approximately 100000 words because of the backlog. Er, anyone wants to meet me soon?

The Group

at the end of the day, i discovered that there were angry bruises on my knees. oh boy, the labour of love :( i never even noticed when it happened. the nursery changed location, and now, the room doesn't have those spongy mats that protected the kids (and their minders) from falls and scraps. if i looked like that by the time the babysitting session ended, i wonder what the kids looked like :P


without realising it, my stint at Church's childcare is almost over. i was only obliged to help for 10 weeks. it was such fun playing with those adorable tiddly toddlers that i considered staying on, but i am sorry to say that it also meant working with adults, which is much less fun :P

it makes me sad to see the forces of socialisation at work even when the children are so young. the children are always brought through a series of activities during the 2 hours - handicrafts, songs, storytelling and games. all these activities are, of course, carefully planned to help optimise their development. what happens when a child doesn't want to follow through?

that is not allowed. i spent the whole morning chasing a determined little girl who wasn't interested in singing or colouring or listening. she just wanted to wander around the room and explore the many objects lying around. we played games and she decided to run off with the ball instead of passing it. finally, another nanny firmly grabbed her and told her that she was being a BAD girl. she should follow her friends and obey instructions. that is a GOOD girl.

suddenly, i didn't know why i was trying to make her clap her hands or sleep with the group. she was happy, her safety wasn't in danger, ok, she doesn't follow instructions, but for goodness sake, she's only all of two years old! maybe she doesn't know why these adults are trying to make her go left when she wants to go right, and sit still when she wants to walk.

one day she'll learn to behave as society dictates. she'll learn what it means to be a GOOD girl. she has to, because being part of the group entails conformity. but surely, growing up doesn't have to start at two :( i think, next week, i'll run about with her. who wants to follow all the scripted actions all the time?

the big move - one week on

here I am, in my tailored pants and fitted shirt, feeling somber and important, and trying to remember to think before I speak. I suppose, at some point in life, growing up is inevitable

I’ve been told that there would be a steep learning curve and this is true! I can hardly help absorbing knowledge in all the discussions and conversations around me. It is humbling to be a beginner and novice all over again, and having to find firm footing when the sands are shifting beneath my feet. Suddenly, all my expertise doesn’t seem to be relevant. Who cares if I could write about the Descartes or explain the allegory of the cave?

But I shall be optimistic. If I always choose to do what I am already familiar with, I would become slow and stupid. Think of it this way…I’m sure that I have just staved off Alzheimer’s disease with all the stimulation.