Via Dolorosa

i don't like you, but don't take it personally.

According to Alan Greenspan's new book, Richard Nixon was not just 'anti-semitic', he was anti-women, anti-hispanics, well, basically, anti-everyone else. the dislike was not personal. he just didn't like people. Some days, i feel like that, especially when i am in a crowded Mrt carriage, rubbing shoulders with sweaty strangers. the smell of our humanity can kill me.

i am not bothered by the grand evil schemes that people dream up, because they are so remote from my personal experience. it is the everyday encounters with people that get on my nerves. little things can be so annoying if they happen constantly, like handphones ringing in cinemas, human roadblocks on escalators and whiny voices. i can't stand women whining, because they sound just like me :P some days i fantasize that i live in South New Zealand, where the nearest human is 5mins away...by helicopter.

Yesterday was Good Friday service in church, and once again, we were reminded that Jesus died the cruellest death possible to remove the weight of our sins. God, i cannot understand why You bother. this could only be done out of love, but to love such as us! to love the sloth, the glutton, the self-righteous, the complainers and the grump (like me). and most of the time, we are not even grateful. i mean, if i had my way, there would be no Noah's ark during the big flood.

sometimes there are really irritating, slap-able brats running around, and only their doting parents think they are cute. God's love reminds me of those parents, because i know myself, and worse, He knows me even better. He knows the dark thoughts in my heart, the careless words i say, and everything else more, and oddly enough, loves me anyway. He is endlessly patient with the faithless prayers i mouth, and all the times when i sing hymns without meaning a word. Then, because He remembers that i was made from dust, He says, "where sin increased, grace increased even more." (Romans 6). God! How could it be?

not that i am complaining. i could be the one stripped and whipped and nailed to the cross, so, honestly, i am very relieved to be spared. i just find this agape (love) incomprehensible. Dear Lord, i am completely, utterly floored by this

Amazing Grace.