Sunday, April 27, 2008

in my cave

my friends, some of you might have found me abrupt and rude in the face of the attention you have shown, and i don't want you to think that i do not appreciate your concern. please know that i am very grateful to discover that i have so many friends :)

but i am tired of trying to explain myself. i received strongly-worded advice from mentors and such, to tell the truth, advice doesn't help. and i do hate having to justify my actions and have my wisdom questioned.

there is another reason for refusing to give more details. my friends, if you knew what really happened, you would:

1. finally discover how impulsive, capricious and temperamental i am, and hence
2. scold me for being myself or worse
3. scold me for all the wrong reasons like someone (unnamed) did

so, please understand that on this matter, i have decided to go into my cave like a man, and not say anymore after this post.

my own conclusion is that i will not bother to try to figure out what the right thing to do is. i choose to be reckless at all the wrong times. that's how i live. on these matters, i think i can only follow my own heart. i said that i do not know what i am doing, it doesn't mean that i think i am on the wrong track...if you know what i mean.

i don't recommend this to anyone else, but to me, evaluated decisions really, are no different from a toss of the dice. at the inevitable crossroads we encounter, there is no telling where one turn would lead to, but it would always go somewhere anyway. and now i am just waiting to see what is going to happen next.

what i really hope to get is your non-judgemental acceptance of my actions and the comfort of your presence if things go wrong. maybe you secretly think i am making a mess of my life, but please don't tell me that.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Last week

Warning: i'm not sure that what i am writing has been theologically studied, and is considered sound doctrine. it is simply my experience of a cataclysmic week.

i made two abrupt decisions within a few days. if you know the whole story, you'd think i am absurd and rash. i suppose i am, but i am not going to explain myself. i cannot say that i considered matters from all angles carefully and arrived at the most appropriate conclusion.

i suppose, i am admitting that i don't know what i am doing at all. not every decision in life can be weighed and reasoned. whatever i do, there are bound to be doubts about 'what ifs' and 'perhaps'.

exhaustion makes me patient because i have no more strength to do anything else. i can only sit very still before God, and finally stop asking 'why and how'. i can only say, 'Lord, Your will, not mine'. some things are beyond my control, i have no plans for the future, and can't see what is going to happen next. but it is ok.

most importantly, i know that God's hand is upon my life, and this is enough for me. i trust that God is working on the hidden things. sometimes when you don't know what to do, you can only do what you know to do - to keep worshipping, keep praying, keep walking. And to trust somehow that:

'We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!' (1 Cor 13:12 the message)

Monday, April 07, 2008

Goodbye old GAMs

it is finally time to discard my faithful old GAM skates. it has been a good 5 years, old GAMs. look at their poor battle-scarred surfaces, especially the right skate. i have a dreadful habit of bashing one skate with the other, so the right skate is suffered more than its fair share of slashes. poor skate :P well, it is better than cutting myself, of course.

new skates just arrived after a long odyssey, that involves them being shipped from canada to US, before being loaded again to Singapore. what a journey! it was a trip that almost never happened! have to thank sminy and his sister-in-law :)

here are my new skates - super duper parabolic professional freestyle blades! check them out. fresh off the plane :) i am still wearing GAM, they are my very much preferred brand. can't wait to try them out. but first, i have to break them in first, and that means wearing them at home with thick wet socks to mold them. they feel horribly hard now. it is like having a wooden armour around your feet :P i do hate breaking in new boots.
parabolic blades are supposed to help with spins and jumps and such, so, maybe now i can really make those perfect little circles when i spin!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


seriously politically incorrect, misogynistic stuff. feminists best not read :P

what is all the fuss about having women ministers? (or that the latest Cabinet lineup has no woman) women have broken new grounds everywhere, i suppose it is a matter of time before this highest sanctuary is breached.

my interests feel reasonably well represented already. i can't think of anything that needs special feminine attention at the cabinet levels. i am represented as a singaporean and that is enough for me.

feminists might claim that the situation means that there are unacceptable systematic barriers that prevent women from reaching the highest office. insidious discrimination, they cry! why else are there no women in the whole cabinet? well...there is another rather obvious reason (but i can't say it i can't say it. don't make me say it :P even political incorrectness has its limits :P)

in fact, i don't particularly admire female leaders or see them as role models. think of Margaret Thatcher, or Hillary Clinton's bullheaded fight for the White House. Goodness me, these women have nothing in common with me except biology. their achievements are their own and have nothing to do with me. i am intimdated by the Iron Lady, and repelled by the former First lady. if i were to meet them, i would probably feel like a useless, frivolous akimbo bimbo. and they would think the same of me. this sisterhood thing is a myth.

there is something worse than not having a woman in the cabinet - having a woman in the cabinet because she is a woman. that would be terrible, because such affirmative action would undermine everything that other female leaders have achieved on their own merit.

so, who are these people complaining about the lack of females in the Cabinet? Not, i imagine, other women. because i don't want to be a minister, and don't care if other women can't :P

ps: the answer to yesterday's question: Myanmarese (according to Weekend Today)