Sunday, April 27, 2008

in my cave

my friends, some of you might have found me abrupt and rude in the face of the attention you have shown, and i don't want you to think that i do not appreciate your concern. please know that i am very grateful to discover that i have so many friends :)

but i am tired of trying to explain myself. i received strongly-worded advice from mentors and such, to tell the truth, advice doesn't help. and i do hate having to justify my actions and have my wisdom questioned.

there is another reason for refusing to give more details. my friends, if you knew what really happened, you would:

1. finally discover how impulsive, capricious and temperamental i am, and hence
2. scold me for being myself or worse
3. scold me for all the wrong reasons like someone (unnamed) did

so, please understand that on this matter, i have decided to go into my cave like a man, and not say anymore after this post.

my own conclusion is that i will not bother to try to figure out what the right thing to do is. i choose to be reckless at all the wrong times. that's how i live. on these matters, i think i can only follow my own heart. i said that i do not know what i am doing, it doesn't mean that i think i am on the wrong track...if you know what i mean.

i don't recommend this to anyone else, but to me, evaluated decisions really, are no different from a toss of the dice. at the inevitable crossroads we encounter, there is no telling where one turn would lead to, but it would always go somewhere anyway. and now i am just waiting to see what is going to happen next.

what i really hope to get is your non-judgemental acceptance of my actions and the comfort of your presence if things go wrong. maybe you secretly think i am making a mess of my life, but please don't tell me that.

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