Warning: i'm not sure that what i am writing has been theologically studied, and is considered sound doctrine. it is simply my experience of a cataclysmic week.
i made two abrupt decisions within a few days. if you know the whole story, you'd think i am absurd and rash. i suppose i am, but i am not going to explain myself. i cannot say that i considered matters from all angles carefully and arrived at the most appropriate conclusion.
i suppose, i am admitting that i don't know what i am doing at all. not every decision in life can be weighed and reasoned. whatever i do, there are bound to be doubts about 'what ifs' and 'perhaps'.
exhaustion makes me patient because i have no more strength to do anything else. i can only sit very still before God, and finally stop asking 'why and how'. i can only say, 'Lord, Your will, not mine'. some things are beyond my control, i have no plans for the future, and can't see what is going to happen next. but it is ok.
most importantly, i know that God's hand is upon my life, and this is enough for me. i trust that God is working on the hidden things. sometimes when you don't know what to do, you can only do what you know to do - to keep worshipping, keep praying, keep walking. And to trust somehow that:
'We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!' (1 Cor 13:12 the message)