in my cave

my friends, some of you might have found me abrupt and rude in the face of the attention you have shown, and i don't want you to think that i do not appreciate your concern. please know that i am very grateful to discover that i have so many friends :)

but i am tired of trying to explain myself. i received strongly-worded advice from mentors and such, to tell the truth, advice doesn't help. and i do hate having to justify my actions and have my wisdom questioned.

there is another reason for refusing to give more details. my friends, if you knew what really happened, you would:

1. finally discover how impulsive, capricious and temperamental i am, and hence
2. scold me for being myself or worse
3. scold me for all the wrong reasons like someone (unnamed) did

so, please understand that on this matter, i have decided to go into my cave like a man, and not say anymore after this post.

my own conclusion is that i will not bother to try to figure out what the right thing to do is. i choose to be reckless at all the wrong times. that's how i live. on these matters, i think i can only follow my own heart. i said that i do not know what i am doing, it doesn't mean that i think i am on the wrong track...if you know what i mean.

i don't recommend this to anyone else, but to me, evaluated decisions really, are no different from a toss of the dice. at the inevitable crossroads we encounter, there is no telling where one turn would lead to, but it would always go somewhere anyway. and now i am just waiting to see what is going to happen next.

what i really hope to get is your non-judgemental acceptance of my actions and the comfort of your presence if things go wrong. maybe you secretly think i am making a mess of my life, but please don't tell me that.

Last week

Warning: i'm not sure that what i am writing has been theologically studied, and is considered sound doctrine. it is simply my experience of a cataclysmic week.


i made two abrupt decisions within a few days. if you know the whole story, you'd think i am absurd and rash. i suppose i am, but i am not going to explain myself. i cannot say that i considered matters from all angles carefully and arrived at the most appropriate conclusion.

i suppose, i am admitting that i don't know what i am doing at all. not every decision in life can be weighed and reasoned. whatever i do, there are bound to be doubts about 'what ifs' and 'perhaps'.

exhaustion makes me patient because i have no more strength to do anything else. i can only sit very still before God, and finally stop asking 'why and how'. i can only say, 'Lord, Your will, not mine'. some things are beyond my control, i have no plans for the future, and can't see what is going to happen next. but it is ok.

most importantly, i know that God's hand is upon my life, and this is enough for me. i trust that God is working on the hidden things. sometimes when you don't know what to do, you can only do what you know to do - to keep worshipping, keep praying, keep walking. And to trust somehow that:

'We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!' (1 Cor 13:12 the message)

Goodbye old GAMs

it is finally time to discard my faithful old GAM skates. it has been a good 5 years, old GAMs. look at their poor battle-scarred surfaces, especially the right skate. i have a dreadful habit of bashing one skate with the other, so the right skate is suffered more than its fair share of slashes. poor skate :P well, it is better than cutting myself, of course.

new skates just arrived after a long odyssey, that involves them being shipped from canada to US, before being loaded again to Singapore. what a journey! it was a trip that almost never happened! have to thank sminy and his sister-in-law :)

here are my new skates - super duper parabolic professional freestyle blades! check them out. fresh off the plane :) i am still wearing GAM, they are my very much preferred brand. can't wait to try them out. but first, i have to break them in first, and that means wearing them at home with thick wet socks to mold them. they feel horribly hard now. it is like having a wooden armour around your feet :P i do hate breaking in new boots.

parabolic blades are supposed to help with spins and jumps and such, so, maybe now i can really make those perfect little circles when i spin!

Women

seriously politically incorrect, misogynistic stuff. feminists best not read :P

what is all the fuss about having women ministers? (or that the latest Cabinet lineup has no woman) women have broken new grounds everywhere, i suppose it is a matter of time before this highest sanctuary is breached.

my interests feel reasonably well represented already. i can't think of anything that needs special feminine attention at the cabinet levels. i am represented as a singaporean and that is enough for me.

feminists might claim that the situation means that there are unacceptable systematic barriers that prevent women from reaching the highest office. insidious discrimination, they cry! why else are there no women in the whole cabinet? well...there is another rather obvious reason (but i can't say it i can't say it. don't make me say it :P even political incorrectness has its limits :P)

in fact, i don't particularly admire female leaders or see them as role models. think of Margaret Thatcher, or Hillary Clinton's bullheaded fight for the White House. Goodness me, these women have nothing in common with me except biology. their achievements are their own and have nothing to do with me. i am intimdated by the Iron Lady, and repelled by the former First lady. if i were to meet them, i would probably feel like a useless, frivolous akimbo bimbo. and they would think the same of me. this sisterhood thing is a myth.

there is something worse than not having a woman in the cabinet - having a woman in the cabinet because she is a woman. that would be terrible, because such affirmative action would undermine everything that other female leaders have achieved on their own merit.

so, who are these people complaining about the lack of females in the Cabinet? Not, i imagine, other women. because i don't want to be a minister, and don't care if other women can't :P


ps: the answer to yesterday's question: Myanmarese (according to Weekend Today)

Via Dolorosa

i don't like you, but don't take it personally.

According to Alan Greenspan's new book, Richard Nixon was not just 'anti-semitic', he was anti-women, anti-hispanics, well, basically, anti-everyone else. the dislike was not personal. he just didn't like people. Some days, i feel like that, especially when i am in a crowded Mrt carriage, rubbing shoulders with sweaty strangers. the smell of our humanity can kill me.

i am not bothered by the grand evil schemes that people dream up, because they are so remote from my personal experience. it is the everyday encounters with people that get on my nerves. little things can be so annoying if they happen constantly, like handphones ringing in cinemas, human roadblocks on escalators and whiny voices. i can't stand women whining, because they sound just like me :P some days i fantasize that i live in South New Zealand, where the nearest human is 5mins away...by helicopter.

Yesterday was Good Friday service in church, and once again, we were reminded that Jesus died the cruellest death possible to remove the weight of our sins. God, i cannot understand why You bother. this could only be done out of love, but to love such as us! to love the sloth, the glutton, the self-righteous, the complainers and the grump (like me). and most of the time, we are not even grateful. i mean, if i had my way, there would be no Noah's ark during the big flood.

sometimes there are really irritating, slap-able brats running around, and only their doting parents think they are cute. God's love reminds me of those parents, because i know myself, and worse, He knows me even better. He knows the dark thoughts in my heart, the careless words i say, and everything else more, and oddly enough, loves me anyway. He is endlessly patient with the faithless prayers i mouth, and all the times when i sing hymns without meaning a word. Then, because He remembers that i was made from dust, He says, "where sin increased, grace increased even more." (Romans 6). God! How could it be?

not that i am complaining. i could be the one stripped and whipped and nailed to the cross, so, honestly, i am very relieved to be spared. i just find this agape (love) incomprehensible. Dear Lord, i am completely, utterly floored by this

Amazing Grace.

the last post on batam

ok, i finally got around to putting the pics of batam online. notice however that mine are extremely non-social. if you want the more personal pics, go and look at sminy's blog instead.

this is the view from the girls' villa. i don't think that my hp camera does the beauty of the place justice. the villa's balcony hangs right over the stormy grey sea, so you can admire the waves lapping on the rocks, even when indoors. why would anyone pay so much to go to the maldives? can things get much better than this?



i had a single room, where i was able to be as anti-social as i wanted to be. this is where i curl up to read whenever i want time out. since it rained so much, i seem to spend half of my holiday just lolling on this couch. rather miss it now. i can see the pool from here :)



we met an old friend in batam megamall. everyone wanted to take a picture with dear A&W bear. we all had rootbeer float. the funny thing is, when we had A&W in singapore, i never had rootbeer float, or ever ate much at A&W. see, things are precious only when they are hard to find :P

Rainy Holiday

why am i blogging again when i am at a beach resort? because it has been raining
and raining
and raining
and is still raining.
so, this is the only thing left to do :P

the poor guys are disappointed about missing the banana boat, but since i can't do any sea sports, i don't really care too much :P

slept reasonably well today, but i woke up sadly early, at 6.15am, which is 7.15am in singapore. it was already bright. why does the sun rise so early here? i tried to go back to sleep, but a whole tribe of korean aunties and uncles trooped heavily out to breakfast. a little later, the whole tribe trooped back after breakfast :( why do people get up so early when it is holiday?

today, the rest of us got pummelled and kneaded by the excellent masseuses in the spa. by the end of my treatment, i was so relaxed and lazy that i could only crawl back to my room and sleep again. the treatment rooms were rather strange though. the set up is a serious test of your faith. it was only after my massage that i realised that the walls are made of glass. i wonder if the people at the beach could see what goes on! probably not...at least, i hope not...i mean, surely not!

i tried exploring the place despite the rain. there is a little spice garden, and nice wandering lanes along the beach. but i felt dreadfully silly carrying my umbrella around. besides, it is awfully cold. we all packed for the wrong climate. luckily i brought along a pair of long sleeves last minute. my room's air-conditioner is set at the maximum temperature - 30 degrees :P

i am never travelling with people who like to sing in public again :P yesterday we had a most strange experience. the lounge singer invited mel to sing, and unfortunately, she sang well. he got so inspired that he decided to make all of us perform...one by one! and so, tonny was up next, and then, amy went up to sing too! bloh and i were hauled up next, by our hair. she sang a song. there is no way i am going to sing in public when i am coughing so badly! and so, i had to offer to play the piano. he was very surprised, and funnier still, sang along when i performed. so, it was quite an experience. luckily the northpole gang is full of talented performers :P tonight if he is still around, we have decided that we are going to enter by another door and run away as fast as we could.

ok, now i am going to see if the rain has finally stopped. if not, it's back to the bed :P this is my kind of holiday :)

On Holiday

Why am i blogging when i am in a beach resort?

the simple reason is, it has been raining
and raining
and raining
and is still raining :(

the good folks of the north pole packed ourselves to a nice resort in Batam. our villas are right beside the tumultous sea, and this place isn't crowded at all, considering that it is school holidays now. in fact, this place is so laidback and comfortable that i am going to be selfish and not tell you where we are :P don't want this place packed with the holidaying crowd :P

since it is pouring, we have to find ways to amuse ourselves. so, i am here surfing the internet in front of the beach. Wayne and mel are playing pool. sminy and tonny are getting kneaded. the others are drinking by the bar...this is life :)

in a little while, we are going to have a kelong seafood dinner. and tomorrow, we plan to go and eat live seafood, you know, the kind which you pick out of the water, and throw into the frying pan right away.

now, if only it would stop raining. then we can go and fish for gong-gongs.

Wabi Sabi

A barren tree in the dead of winter. but life would come back in spring.

i am not sure that i can fully explain wabi-sabi, but it seems to me to be the right way to live, not that i actually follow it. in fact, i am quite far from it, and that is why it is such an attractive idea to me.

it is a philosophy of simplicity in life, of not striving or struggling. wabi-sabi accepts that life is imperfect, and fleeting. with life inevitably comes decay. we cannot hold on to happy moments, but sadness does not last forever either. as such, one should move with the natural rhythm of life.

this term probably is of zen origins, but it is not very different from the attitude set out in Ecclesiastes (Old Testament). King Solomon too, observes that 'everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind'. we will return to dust, with all our dreams and aspirations, and all our griefs.

but don't get me wrong. i don't think this attitude is pessimistic at all. it is serene acceptance of what life offers us, and a refusal to strain too hard at things that are impermanent anyway, and trying to control what we cannot control.

and for the Christian, it means also that we submit ourselves to the will of God for what He wants to bring about in our lives, because as the psalmist says, 'all the days ordained for me are written in Your book before one of them came to be'.

i imagine that wabi-sabi cannot be achieved with effort. one would just be trying too hard. it is cultivated when we learn to let go. and peace comes from not struggling to change what we cannnot, letting ourselves flow unresistingly through the ups and downs in life, knowing that we are secure in the love of God, and we will meet Him one day. i suppose, all questions and complaints can wait until then.

a walk in the mountains

many years ago, i went to Nepal with a bunch of good friends, and one day, the local guide told us we were going for a 'gentle walk'. naively, we all trotted along with great enthusiasm...for the first hour.

then, it turned into to be a monster (to me) 26-km trek along the foot of the annapurna mountains. in Nepal, there is no such thing as a straight walk. you are either climbing upwards, or trying to stop yourself from rolling downhill.

one of the most vivid memories i had was this particularly long and winding stretch we walked through. it was downhill all the way, and i learnt that day that gravity is not a friend. there were many parts when i had a helping hand, but somehow, i managed to stumble through right to the end...then i turned around and looked back at the entire trail, and nearly fainted from horror.

the trail was nothing but a merest scratch on the massive face of the mountain! it was so narrow, anyone of us could have just slipped, and fallen to our deaths thousands of feet below. i hadn't realised how dangerous it was, because i just focused on my feet, taking one step, and then the next, before i knew it, i got through everything. i am a very faint-hearted person. if i had known what i was in for, my legs would definitely collapse beneath me. they would have to send a helicopter up to airlift me away :P

this experience helps me to understand better why God wants to lead us one step at a time, instead of showing us the destination right from the start. we might draw back in fear, and fail to achieve what we could. the thing is, we might not realise that when the eventual happens, we would be prepared, because God's grace is sufficient. but trying to be prepared too far ahead forces us to use today's grace for tomorrow's problems. no wonder He tells us 'not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough trouble of its own.'

it is really easier to just take one step at a time. and that is what i am going to do: focus on putting one foot in front of the other, and see where God eventually leads me.